As a therapist, I often sit with adults who are struggling in their relationships—with themselves, with partners, with family—and wondering why it feels so hard. The truth is, our earliest relationships lay the foundation for how we see the world, how we connect, and how we care for ourselves.
Childhood isn’t just a stage we grow out of. It’s a blueprint that follows us—sometimes quietly, sometimes loudly—into our adult lives.
Relationships Are Our First Teachers
From the moment we’re born, we look to our caregivers for safety, love, and guidance. We’re learning, through every touch, tone, and response: Am I safe? Do my needs matter? Is it okay to feel what I feel?
These early interactions shape our core beliefs:
How we handle stress
How we regulate our emotions
Whether we feel worthy of love
How we respond to conflict or rejection
How we care for others—and ourselves
When children grow up in environments that are consistent, loving, and emotionally attuned, they’re more likely to develop a secure sense of self. They learn that people can be trusted. That their emotions won’t overwhelm or be dismissed. That it’s okay to make mistakes and still be loved.
What Happens When Support Is Missing?
Not all of us had that kind of upbringing. Maybe love was present, but unpredictable. Maybe emotions were met with silence or shame. Maybe you were praised for being “the strong one,” “the helper,” or “the one who didn’t cause trouble”—and somewhere along the way, your own needs got lost.
In those cases, we often grow into adults who:
Overfunction in relationships
Struggle to ask for help
Avoid vulnerability out of fear of rejection
Feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness—or overly dependent on it
Seek approval by suppressing our true feelings
And again, none of this is a personal flaw. It’s a nervous system that adapted to survive in the best way it could.
Why It Matters Now
The good news? Our brains and hearts are resilient. Even if we didn’t get the emotional support we needed as children, healing is possible. But it often requires revisiting those early patterns with honesty and compassion.
Adult relationships—romantic, platonic, or therapeutic—can become the new safe spaces where we learn:
How to co-regulate emotions
That it’s okay to have needs
That love doesn’t have to come at the cost of your identity
That we can re-parent ourselves and show up differently
When we begin to understand why something feels hard—not just in our heads, but in our bodies—we can respond with more patience. We start to move away from self-blame and toward self-compassion.
Rewriting the Story
You don’t have to stay stuck in old patterns. You can learn to set boundaries without guilt. You can explore intimacy without fear. You can have messy emotions and still be lovable. You can break the cycle for yourself—and for those who come after you.
It’s not about blaming the past. It’s about understanding it so you can choose differently now.
Final Thought
The support we received—or didn’t receive—in childhood echoes into adulthood. But those echoes don’t have to define you. With intention, connection, and care, you can write a new story. One where your needs are honored, your voice matters, and your relationships feel like places of growth, not survival.
You deserve that kind of love—starting with the one you give yourself.